The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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