Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
