You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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