she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
