I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
