if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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