So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
