So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
