The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Randomize
