i just had sex bonerless
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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