Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
