Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
