you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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