The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My feet surprised me
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