Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
