...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
