I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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