my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
