He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
