its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
