I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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