I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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