can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
honey bunches of taint.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
