I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
