so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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