I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
