I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
