Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
