I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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