i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
