Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
