Screwed.edu
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
