my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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