she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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