Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ketchup is God's man juice
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
