We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
