I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
