Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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