4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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