Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
