If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
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Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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