Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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