I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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