Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
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He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
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I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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