My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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