I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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