I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
