Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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