I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
