I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
