I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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