guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
