Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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