dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Everything about him screamed your future.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.