I wish I could teleport
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.