You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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