Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
