That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
