Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
