yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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