Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
