I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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