wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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