I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
