My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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