If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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